TOP 5 JOINTS TO EAT AT IN USA

by James Tailby.

Name : Noodles & Company (www.noodles.com)
Locations : Concentrated towards the East coast, but some have been popping up in California and neighboring West Coast states. Found in 18 States, at 255 locations.

Food : Noodles, Pasta, Mac & Cheese, Sandwiches etc.

What do I order? : Regular Bowl of Mac & Cheese, with tofu. Put plenty of Sriracha (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sriracha_sauce) on that shit, and you’re gooooood. Never order a drink, just say you’re going to drink water, they’ll give you a cup, then just drink whatever takes yer fancy from the machine (from now on, this is referred to as ‘the cup trick’).

Food rating : 9/10
Service : 9/10
Pricing : 7/10 – nearly a full PD down the drain in one meal, but well worth it.
Likelihood to shit yourself after consumption : 6/10
Ease of finding one when you’re hungry on tour : 5/10 – they’re kinda tricky to track down sometimes.
Wi-Fi? : Yes (most of the time)

Notes : They have blue Powerade on tap. Only place I’ve ever seen it.

Number 2.

 

Name : Jimmy John’s (www.jimmyjohns.com)
Locations : Everywhere apart from the Mid-West really. Even then, you can still find one every now and then. 1000 stores in 39 US States.

Food : Subs. It’s like a WAY better version of Subway.

What do I order? : #6 – Vegetarian w/ oil & vinegar, and mustard.

Food rating : 8.5/10 – always taste fresh, and actually kind of healthy. Doesn’t fill you up for THAT long though.
Service : 9/10 – sandwich in hand within 3 minutes of order normally.
Pricing : 9/10 – my usual order comes to under $5. That means I can have 2 in a day with my PD, wasssssup.
Likelihood of shitting yourself after consumption : 1/10 – don’t think I’ve ever known it to happen.
Tour ease : 8/10 – quite often found in locations you just wouldn’t expect.
Wi-Fi? : Sometimes, it’s a gamble.

Notes : Their Oatmeal & Raisin cookies are DOPE. Do the cup trick.

Number 3.

Name : Panera Bread (www.panerabread.com)
Locations : Abundant on both coasts. Slightly harder to find in the mid-west, but there if you look hard enough.

Food : Paninis, Sandwiches, Soup, Mac & Cheese etc.

What do I order? : Creamy Tomato Soup in a bread bowl (sometimes some Mac & cheese as well, but only if I’ve found a dollar or 2 on the floor of the van or something).

Food rating : 8/10 – you run a high risk of over-indulging on bread when eating here. Still good though.
Service : 8.5/10 – you get these cool bleeper things that go off when your grubs up.
Pricing : 7/10 – can be a little pricey for what it is.
Likelihood of shitting yourself after consumption : 4/10 – it’s a bad day if you do.
Tour ease : 8/10 – pretty good. Often located round the back of things you can’t see from the road though, ball ache.
Wi-Fi? : YES.

Notes : PB’s are ALWAYS full of old people and business men/women on their lunch breaks having casual meetings. Do the cup trick.

Number 4.

Name : Chipotle (www.chipotle.com)
Locations : Found in 38 US States, and Canada.

Food : Burritos, Burrito bowls, Tacos, Chips & Salsa etc.

What do I order? : Vegetarian burrito w/ mild AND hot salsa, no corn, but everything else. I always try my hand at getting some extra guacamole up in there as well, normally works.

Food rating : 8/10 – best tasting burritos from any chain of restaurants for sure.
Service : 8/10 – pretty instant, workers can be grumpy and hard to understand at times though.
Pricing : 7/10 – kinda pricey when on a budget, but does fill you up.
Likelihood of shitting yourself after consumption : 8/10 – I think at least 1 person has a date with the toilet straight after we eat Chipotle.
Tour ease : 8.5/10 – often found in parking lots.
Wi-Fi? – Nah, not really.

Notes : There is in fact a Chipotle in London, UK now. Do the cup trick.

Number 5.

Name : Taco Bell (www.tacobell.com)
Locations : EVERYWHERE.

Food : Tacos, Burritos, Quesadillas, Tortadas etc.

What do I order? : 1x Cheese, Bean & Rice Burrito, 1 (or 2)x Crispy Potato Soft Taco, 1x Cheese Quesadilla.

Food rating : 7/10 – it is what it is. Cheap and nasty, and that’s how it tastes (in a good way).
Service : 6/10 – if it’s busy, then it can take a near-decade to get yer grub, but if not, then it’s pretty quick.
Pricing : 10/10 – cheap as fuck. My order comes in at around the $4.50 mark, and fills you up good and proper.
Likelihood of shitting yourself after consumption : 9.5/10 – I mean it’s not 100% guaranteed, but more often than not, within an hour or so of chowing down, you’ll be having a dreadful time on the bog.
Tour ease : 10/10 – they’re around every corner, even when you haven’t seen civilisation for hours, you’ll find a TB.
Wi-Fi? : Probably not, but you never know.

Notes : There’s a cheeky TB on some airbase in England somewhere. Do the cup trick.

One love xo.

James Tailby

Good boy gone rad.